


The Shepherd's Lost And Her Home Is Far

by SpiritMuse



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 16:51:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10903494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritMuse/pseuds/SpiritMuse
Summary: (MAJOR SPOILERS for the end of the main game, though not Trespasser.)Cullen still didn't understand why she'd done it. None of them probably ever truly would.That it had been a Despair demon, though, spoke volumes.





	The Shepherd's Lost And Her Home Is Far

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILER WARNING: SPOILERS THROUGH THE END OF THE MAIN GAME.
> 
> I wrote this some time ago and recently found it again while searching my documents for something else. After rereading and editing I felt it was alrighty enough to post, so here it is.
> 
> I apologise in advance.

Cullen still didn't understand why she'd done it. None of them probably ever truly would.

That it had been a Despair demon, though, spoke volumes.

Thinking back, it had probably started when her clan had been massacred. They had sent agents, but hadn't been able to save them. She'd retreated to her chambers and hadn't talked to anyone for a week. During that time he'd often looked up at the tower where she stayed, and sometimes he could see her figure standing on the balcony. One time he saw her move and he'd been sure she was going to jump. His heart had stopped and he had to look away because he knew the image would never leave him if she did that and he saw it.

But she hadn't. She had come out of her room safe and sound and returned to her duties. But she'd been different. Of course she had. You couldn't see all your friends and family slaughtered and still be the same person. He knew that better than anyone.

She'd been distant and reserved in a way she hadn't before, even towards him. And her eyes... It had broken his heart to see them so dull and empty. But he had accepted her changes and loved her just the same.

And after a while she had started acting more like her old self again. The jokes with Sera that seemed to become ever more immature. The teasing of Cassandra that he had to admit was actually pretty funny. The flirting with Dorian that had long since stopped bothering him.

She might even have fooled some of them. But not him.

For a long time their stolen moments on the battlements had remained unsure. Sometimes she'd ask him to come and then she wouldn't be there. He'd wait a while for her to show. Sometimes she would, but other times she never came at all and he'd eventually go back to his office alone. But he would still go every time she asked, because how could he not?

During that time her kisses had often been more desperate than passionate. She'd hold on to him for dear life and he would hold her close as if she was the most precious thing in the world. Which she was.

Sometimes she would come to his office and sit on the floor in a corner with a book on things she was researching. Or she would bring a stack of field reports and spread them out on the floor around her. He offered to leave her in peace to work at his desk if she liked, but she declined, saying that she wasn't used to chairs and they gave her a backache. He'd been quite sure that hadn't been the real reason.

Eventually, even that had returned to normal. Her grief had slowly ebbed away, and she was alright again.

But sometimes he would still wake up in the middle of the night to her silently crawling into his bed and into his arms. Then he would hold her until they both fell asleep.

After Corypheus had been defeated and the breach finally completely sealed, they had all been very relieved. When she came back from that final battle, he'd held her close in full view of the entire Inquisiton because nothing had mattered in that moment except that she was alive.

They had wondered what to do with the Inquisiton now that their immediate purpose was fulfilled. She suggested they follow the example of the Inquisition of old and lay down their swords. It hadn't come as much of a surprise - he knew she'd never been happy with being the leader of a cult whose god she didn't believe in and had only accepted it because it had been necessary.

It wasn't long after that that it happened.

They had been in Haven, visiting the monument they'd helped build there. Another celebration of their victory after a solemn remembrance of all those they lost in the fight. Maybe that had been the last straw.

One morning she'd gone out and hadn't returned. She'd been spotted heading to the site of the breach and he'd gotten worried that something had happened to her. The Veil was still thin there, after all, and she was a mage.

Cassandra, Varric and Dorian had joined him and a few soldiers in a search party.

They had found her wandering the area where the first rift had been. When they approached her, her eyes had glowed blue.

"You will never take me!" she'd screeched, and her body twisted and changed.

He had stood there frozen while the demon attacked the rest of the group. Attacked the rest of the group, he'd realized later, but not him.

He'd taken a few steps, drawn his weapon, but had been unable to do more. He'd felt as if he'd been rooted to the ground, his sword oddly heavy in his hand.

Eventually the demon had landed, frozen in mid flight, somewhere close to him. He had found himself surging forward and running it through with his blade.

Afterwards he had somehow ended up on his knees, cradling the body in his arms. Looking down he'd found her eyes looking back at him.

She'd opened her mouth and whispered broken words of apology.

He'd held her close and told her it was alright, she could rest now. His voice seemed to come from somewhere far away.

He'd sat there, unmoving, for a very long time. There had been a vague awareness of someone kneeling next to him, but he'd ignored it because nothing had mattered in that moment except that she was dead.

The whole Inquisition had been in mourning for weeks now. Letters of condolence and support arrived every day from every corner of Ferelden and Orlais, and even a few from Tevinter. They had buried her body in the garden of Skyhold and planted a new tree on top of it, as was the custom of the Dalish. It seemed a fitting memorial.

Most people believed she had been taken to the Maker's side after completing her task. Only a few knew the truth.

Since there could be no Inquisition without the Inquisitor, he and Leliana and Josephine and Cassandra had honored her wishes and were in the process of dismantling the organization. They were using their remaining power and influence to safely relinquish the regions they occupied and find new places for all of their people to go. He had buried himself in the paperwork associated with it.

But sometimes he would stand in a particular spot on the battlements, and stare out at the mountains surrounding them. He would stand there for hours, and all the soldiers knew not to disturb him during those times.

As he breathed the air, he sometimes wondered if she really was at the side of the Maker now. She would probably have a fit if that were true. But even then, between the Maker and Andraste, at least she would be in good hands.

Cullen pulled his furs tightly around him and returned to his office.

It seemed especially cold outside today.

**Author's Note:**

> Behind the scenes note: the working title for this was "oh god what did I write".


End file.
